Come to Your Senses

I'm reading a book about a woman who lives in the dark because of photosensitivity. It got me thinking about my own sensitivity, which is to lack of light. I have a type of illness--depression--which gets worse if I don't have regular sunshine. I moved to the Southwest because of it.

Here's what Seasonal Affective Disorder feels like. At first it's just a minor glitch in my day. It's raining so I don't go out for a walk. I go to the Y instead. The endorphins caused by the workout help me to feel better. I aim to go out when it stops raining because I know I need the sun even though filtered through clouds.

Days go by. Fog rolls in and stays for a while, as it tends to do in the Willamette Valley. Or the clouds cover the sun. Or it rains, for what seems like forever or just off and on. I complain to my friends about it, try to exercise at the gym, start sleeping more and notice I really want to eat a lot of carbohydrates and get lazy. On some days I let myself.

I start to feel really run-down. I don't feel my confident-self anymore. Do others notice I'm not myself? I wish I could hibernate. But I know that I have to push myself to do all the stuff that would normally come easily. It's such an effort. It sometimes feels not very worthwhile.

Late December into January. Am I going a little crazy? I feel like I could cry at odd moments. I am on Prozac all the time but in the winter I double the dose, with my doctor's permission. This makes me unable to cry even though I feel on the edge of tears quite often. In very bad winters, I start to go into psychosis mode--familiar surroundings start to feel unreal, confusing and threatening. I don't feel in control of my thoughts and feelings anymore. I'm suddenly very sensitive to normal everyday things that wouldn't normally phase me. I worry that something is wrong with my mind.

The psychosis thing doesn't happen every year--thank God. At this stage I have looked for therapists to talk to or have gone to online forums to discuss SAD with others who have it. My friends know I have it but it's not something we really talk about. I don't say, "Yep, my world seems unreal today. How are you doing?" Sometimes  pretending everything is fine is a coping mechanism that works for a while.

There are some real effective ways to cope and some "I need relief right now" ways to cope and everything in between. I really did try to eat well, get regular sleep, exercise, plan activities away from home and plan trips to visit sunny locations in the winter. Working full-time helped as it kept me busy and distracted.

The other day I was sitting in my car and I felt that dull edge of depression and I thought, "Well, it's not just SAD then" which I kind of knew but since this is my first time living out of the northwest it's a discovery process too. It's something I will have to keep an eye on all the time. Just maybe not so much now.

Reading

Reading is probably the most consistent activity I engage in. I spend more time at it than I do eating or drinking or exercising but not as much time as when I'm sleeping or working full-time. I probably read more than I do housework--which I've always wanted to change but I just can't seem to (I don't live in filth-it's just that I need to pick up after myself better and dust more!). 

I read so many books that I oftentimes forget I've read a particular one and start reading it again a year or so later. And that's okay because you find new things in a book the second or third or fourth time around. 

I'm currently reading "Girl in the Dark" by Anna Lindsey. The author has a disease which forces her to spend most of her time in a windows-blacked-out bedroom. Can you imagine what that is like? Lindsey takes us through her days and her thoughts and feelings. She also talks about the onset of the disease and her relationships with people. She was a writer before the onset of the disease and she's quite good at narrative non-fiction. In her dark room, she plays books on tapes and word games in her head most of the time. I'm only a third of the way in and will probably finish the book by tomorrow morning because it's not that substantial. 

Anyway, though, I feel so fortunate that I enjoy reading as much as I do. It's mostly free--stuff from the library, stuff on the computer--and it is soul-satisfying in ways that other activities are not. That said, I cannot live on reading alone; I know when it's time to put down the book or magazine or computer and go to the YMCA or clean my kitchen or go walk the dog. 

Questions for you:

What do you get out of reading?

Who are your favorite authors? favorite subjects?

Have you ever read a book and thought, "How could someone be that great a writer?" If so, explain.

Happy Reading!

Checkout Charity--What Do You Think?

Checkout Charity--when they ask you for a buck or two while you're checking out at the grocery store. Usually for prostate cancer or breast cancer or MS or something. What do you think about this practice? Well, here are my thoughts.

I think it benefits the brands or organizations--these places we shop--a lot. They are giving money to various charities in their names but using the dollars donated by customers. Reminds me of when I'd work at places and United Way would come in and give big presentations asking us to donate a part of our bi-weekly checks. I always wanted to yell out, "Why are you asking us? We make a dollar or two over minimum wage, at best. Why don't you ask the people who make money off our work--the upper management, owners, stockholders, etc? They are the ones who get to humble-brag about how much their workplace gives back to the community and tell reporters who they are doing good in the world (while make tons of money and not paying their workers appropriate wages). Also, don't forget these companies get a huge tax write-off for donating. Wouldn't you rather get that for yourself?

Another thing I'd like to know: where are the checks and balances sheets? How do we know this money does indeed go to what is said? Also, don't forget these companies get a huge tax write-off for donating. Wouldn't you rather get that for yourself?

Just yesterday, I went to Lowe's for some paint and some clearance-priced garden stuff. After checking out I was stopped by someone who wanted my checking account information right then and there to commit me to giving "just $30 a month" to help children. I said," I don't feel comfortable giving you that information. Is there a website I can go to?" The answer was a resounding no. He was here just for the day and  he got credit for signing people up. Now, who doesn't want to help children?? But I wasn't born yesterday.

Sometimes I just want to stop going to stores and shop online. Hey, wait, have they started asking for donations at online shopping sites yet?

So Much Has Happened in the Last Six Years!

Me and Honey

I have let this blog slowly rot while I was living my life. Not sure why I did that because I really love to write. I'm not the most disciplined person, though, and have to often go outside my house to get stuff done (don't exercise at home but can do it at the local Y, etc).

Anyway....a lot has happened in the last six years. My daughter grew up and moved away. I changed careers...unsuccessfully. I moved to Tucson, Arizona from Eugene, Oregon and bought a house. My parents died within a few weeks of each other and I visited them more often in their time of decline. It's hard to see your parents decline in health. It's a real eye opening experience about our health system, how we treat senior citizens and how it really sucks to become feeble. And here's my chance to preach about medical marijuana, folks. It's not the old MJ--there's pot now that will just relax your body, ease your pain and make you want to eat and won't make you stoned. I believe it can oftentimes improve the quality of life for those with chronic and acute illnesses.

And I'm getting older too. I now have arthritis, IBS, hypothyroidism, high cholesterol, depression and a hearing deficit. I'm only in my 50s. What will life be like in my 60s, I wonder. I don't want anything else added to this list.

Still, I count myself fortunate. I have three loving cats and one adorable dog, a house, a great volunteer job, some income, solid friendships and an adult daughter who I talk to once or twice a week.

The other day, driving in the car, I thought "Why am I unhappy?" I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I know I'd feel better if I have some in-person friendships here -- people who I could call and say "You want to go to the Boondock's? or "You want to go to lunch?". But my one and only friend here works a ton and can't get together much. Also, my creative spirit needs to be dusted off and used again. I'm happier when I'm writing, creating, cooking, and moving. I also want a part-time paid job and hope to have one by October. Problem is I hate corporate America and want a job I'll be satisfied with. I don't have to love it but I don't want to hate its guts.

Well, that's all for now. Look for more posts coming up (for real!).

10 Things I Want For Xmas

1. Beer Cooler Scooter--about $500. Because I would get a lot of attention from thirsty men!

http://www.i4u.com/16782/must-have-beer-cooler-scooter

2. A Sphynx (hairless) cat. Because my daughter's allergic to the kind with hair. These kind of cats are said to be great snugglers and very intelligent/curious. And, by the way, they're not totally hairless. They're covered with vellus hair.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sphynx_(cat)

3. A Nano. It's inexpensive and it gets excellent gas milege. Only sold in India, sadly.

http://tatanano.inservices.tatamotors.com/tatamotors/

4. Fake university diploma: did you even know they sold these? I would put this one up in the living room, put on my Harvard sweatshirt, and intelligently answer questions about my alma mater while offering cocktails at my holiday party.

http://www.phonydiploma.com/US-College-University-Fake-Diploma.aspx

5. A set of dishes so I can make and serve my own thalis (Indian meals)

http://www.kitchensofindia.com/utensils/utensils_thali.htm

6. An around the world airline ticket. As low as $1,299! So I can learn how to make my own thali meals.

SF or LA > Hong Kong > Bangkok > India > Europe > NY > SF or LA - $1,299
Airlines: Cathay Pacific / China / Air India / United / Jet Blue etc.
Surcharges: Leaving US during 6/1 - 9/5= +$169 or 12/6 - 1/5 = +$396; depart London 6/1 - 9/30= +$228 or 12/14 - 1/4 = +$299

7. Bose Quiet Comfort Noise Cancelling Headphones: So I can endure the round-the-world trip.

http://www.seatguru.com/articles/noise-canceling_review.php

8. An indoor electric faux fireplace: cuz I can't have a real one.

http://www.myfavoritethings.tv/gifts/furniture/electric_fireplaces/marble_electric_fireplaces/marble_electric_fireplaces3.shtml

9.A set of Blik easy-on, easy-of stickers for the walls.

http://www.whatisblik.com/shop/explore?topseller=26&designer=162

10. Reserve A Spot in Heaven: Only $12.79 for eternal life? What a deal!

http://www.reserveaspotinheaven.com/

Donut Stories

1. My friend Karen(in her 30s but from a small town) had never been to a donut shop before a couple of weeks ago. After our book group, a friend and I took her over to Voodoo Donuts. We all agreed her donut-shop devirginization received an A+. Not only did she get a couple of good donuts--maple bar with bacon was one--but a punk looking 20-something woman told us at the door that we were 86d and couldn't go in. We thought she was talking to us, but she was talking to a woman who was trying to mix in with our group so she wouldn't be caught going in. She wanted a straw or a spoon or something. I asked the employee what you had to do to get bounced from a donut shop and she said she came in earlier to hide from the cops that were after her. Other great things about V. Donuts are their revolving donut case and that they rent the place out for weddings. Also, I don't normally like donuts, but I loved their jelly-filled vanilla frosted.

2. When I was pregnant with LeeAnn, Gordon (the dad) and I lived apart for the first few months--I mean different states. Once he overnight Fed-Exed me a few applesauce donuts (perfect when you're not feeling well) from a bakery he knew I liked. The cost of the shipping came to several times the amount of the donuts, I'm sure. It was a nice gesture but one that should have warned me he had spending problems.

3. The best donuts on earth are at the Daily Dozen at the Pike Place Market in Seattle. They make these little donuts right there, I mean, right in front of your eyes. The donuts come out of these machine all fried and hot. Long lines in the summer but well worth is. Eat 'em fresh or don't eat 'em at all. My fave is the powdered.

How to Beat the Winter Blues

I've had the winter blues for as long as I can remember. This year, in addition to the usual coping mechanisms, I bought a 10,000 lux therapy light. It's by "Nature Bright" and it seems to be doing the job, so far. I place it on my side table and leave it on for 30 minutes in the morning. The light reflects off the book I'm reading and I also receive light via peripheral vision. Closing your eyes won't work, the product manual states, as you need the light to touch your eyes. Staring at the light also won't work as these are some bright lights that will have you dizzy if you look straight at them for more than a few seconds.

Other coping mechanisms are tried and true. Going on walks outside, no matter that the sun isn't out, helps me keep my energy up. Fun activities with friends also helps to boost my spirits; this year I'm scheduling regular "Crafting Gals" meetings and taking advantage of all the free and cheap activities around town. In the past, when I've had a regular income, I've taken vacations to southern places. That seems to help the best of all. My ideal life would include sunny autumns and winters in Mexico, then spring/summer in the Pacific Northwest.

Then there are the days when I give myself over to hibernation for a day or two. My soft comforter, a book, lots of sleep, a couple of cats. Sometimes the winter blues are just too hard to fight.