Come to Your Senses

I'm reading a book about a woman who lives in the dark because of photosensitivity. It got me thinking about my own sensitivity, which is to lack of light. I have a type of illness--depression--which gets worse if I don't have regular sunshine. I moved to the Southwest because of it.

Here's what Seasonal Affective Disorder feels like. At first it's just a minor glitch in my day. It's raining so I don't go out for a walk. I go to the Y instead. The endorphins caused by the workout help me to feel better. I aim to go out when it stops raining because I know I need the sun even though filtered through clouds.

Days go by. Fog rolls in and stays for a while, as it tends to do in the Willamette Valley. Or the clouds cover the sun. Or it rains, for what seems like forever or just off and on. I complain to my friends about it, try to exercise at the gym, start sleeping more and notice I really want to eat a lot of carbohydrates and get lazy. On some days I let myself.

I start to feel really run-down. I don't feel my confident-self anymore. Do others notice I'm not myself? I wish I could hibernate. But I know that I have to push myself to do all the stuff that would normally come easily. It's such an effort. It sometimes feels not very worthwhile.

Late December into January. Am I going a little crazy? I feel like I could cry at odd moments. I am on Prozac all the time but in the winter I double the dose, with my doctor's permission. This makes me unable to cry even though I feel on the edge of tears quite often. In very bad winters, I start to go into psychosis mode--familiar surroundings start to feel unreal, confusing and threatening. I don't feel in control of my thoughts and feelings anymore. I'm suddenly very sensitive to normal everyday things that wouldn't normally phase me. I worry that something is wrong with my mind.

The psychosis thing doesn't happen every year--thank God. At this stage I have looked for therapists to talk to or have gone to online forums to discuss SAD with others who have it. My friends know I have it but it's not something we really talk about. I don't say, "Yep, my world seems unreal today. How are you doing?" Sometimes  pretending everything is fine is a coping mechanism that works for a while.

There are some real effective ways to cope and some "I need relief right now" ways to cope and everything in between. I really did try to eat well, get regular sleep, exercise, plan activities away from home and plan trips to visit sunny locations in the winter. Working full-time helped as it kept me busy and distracted.

The other day I was sitting in my car and I felt that dull edge of depression and I thought, "Well, it's not just SAD then" which I kind of knew but since this is my first time living out of the northwest it's a discovery process too. It's something I will have to keep an eye on all the time. Just maybe not so much now.